100Feed: 100 Best Insults

“Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”
Milton Berle

“You’re a parasite for sore eyes.”
Gregory Ratoff

“Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.”
William Dean Howells

“The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.”
Joseph Stilwell

“I’ll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.”
Irving Brecher

“You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.”
Jim Samuels

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
Charles Pierce

“In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.”
Ellen Glascow

“Pushing forty? She’s hanging on for dear life.”
Ivy Compton-Burnett

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you came along.”
Groucho Marx

“I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

“I thought men like that shot themselves.”
King George V

“Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.”
Groucho Marx

“He’s liked, but he’s not well liked.”
Arthur Miller

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.”
Steven Pearl

“I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.”
Mark Twain

“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”
Groucho Marx

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”
Oscar Levant

“Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.”
Winston Churchill

“Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.”
Jonathan Swift

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
Groucho Marx

“You had to stand in line to hate him.”
Hedda Hopper

“You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn’t match the rest of you.”
Norm Papernick

“You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.”
Mark Twain

“You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.”
Wilson Mizner

“Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!”
Groucho Marx

“You were born with your legs apart. They’ll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.”
Joe Orton

“Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.”
Frederic Raphael

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw

“There goes the famous good time that was had by all.”
Bette Davis

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

“Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.”
Tobias George Smolett

“Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain

“Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.”
Kin Hubbard

“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.”
Joseph Heller

“That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say “no” in any of them.”
Dorothy Parker

“The finest woman that ever walked the streets.”
Mae West

“The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.”
William Keegan

“Time wounds all heels.”
Groucho Marx

“She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.”
Alexander Woollcott

“She’s been on more laps than a napkin.”
Walter Winchell

“She’s got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.”
John Cantu

“She’s so pure; Moses couldn’t even part her knees.”
Joan Rivers

“She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success – wrong by wrong.”
Mae West

“She’s the sort of woman who lives for others — you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
C. S. Lewis

“So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.”
Alan Bennett

“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”
Jean Webster

“She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.”
Michael Arlen

“You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?”
Groucho Marx

“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.”
Harold Nicholson

“She should get a divorce and settle down.”
Jack Paar

“Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.”
Heinrich Heine

“She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.”
Ada Leverson

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”
Groucho Marx

“She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.”
Robertson Davies

“She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.”
Charles Talleyrand

“She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.”
Margot Asquith

“He’s so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.”
Earl Wilson

“He’s the kind of man who picks his friends – to pieces.”
Mae West

“He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.”
Wilson Mizner

“He’s very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.”
Margot Asquith

“I will always love the false image I had of you.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

“Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?”
Groucho Marx

“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophiliac, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
Woody Allen

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.”
William Faulkner

“He was so crooked; you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.”
Dorothy L. Sayers

“He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.”
Molly Ivins

“He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.”
Oscar Wilde

“Failure has gone to his head.”
Wilson Mizner

“Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.”
Jeremy Thorpe

“He could never see a belt without hitting below it.”
Margot Asquith

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

“He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.”
Leonard Louis Levinson

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright

“He is as good as his word – and his word is no good.”
Seamus MacManus

“He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.”
Lady Caroline Lamb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating

“He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.”
Henry James

“He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.”
Percival Wilde

“He makes a July’s day short as December.”
William Shakespeare

“He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.”
Moliere

“He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged.”
Simone Signoret

“He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.”
Kate Cruise O’Brien

“He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”
Mark Twain

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.”
Victor Borge

“A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.”
Earl Long

“At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.”
Edith Massey

“Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.”
Mark Twain

“He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.”
Ayn Rand

“He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.”
George C. Scott

“He’s a trellis for varicose veins.”
Wilson Mizner

“He’s so fat; he can be his own running mate.”
Johnny Carson

“What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.”
Fred Allen

“When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?”
David Letterman

“While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.”
James Thurber

100Feed: 100 Funny Quotes

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. – George Carlin

2. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. – George Carlin

3. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. – Jon Stewart

4. How come you never see a headline like, “Psychic wins Lottery”? – Jay Leno

5. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. – Rodney Dangerfield

6. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a Mexican to work. – Chris Rock

7. A child of five could understand this! Send someone to fetch a child of five! – Groucho Marx

8. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope

9. Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before. – Mae West

10. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. – Bill Cosby

11. Food is an important part of a balanced diet. – Fran Lebowitz

12. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

13. Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

14. Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same! – Alfred E. Neuman

15. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber

16. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

17. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns

18. What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? – Fred Allen

19. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin

20. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

21. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

22. There comes a time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them. – Casey Stengel

23. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood

24. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields

25. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I. – Oscar Levant

26. My father had a profound influence on me; he was a lunatic. – Spike Milligan

27. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

28. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

29. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

30. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

31. Life is hard. After all, it does kill you. – Katherine Hepburn

32. In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

33. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

34. I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. – Carl Sandburg

35. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell

36. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner

37. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it. – Mitch Hedberg

38. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

39. I rant, therefore I am. – Dennis Miller

40. I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra

41. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. – Will Rogers

42. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W.C. Fields

43. I love to go to Washington, if only to be near my money. – Bob Hope

44. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield

45. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

46. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers

47. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

48. I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz

49. I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

50. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen

51. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Samuel Goldwyn

52. I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. – Stephen Fry

53. I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. – Joe E. Lewis

54. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W. C. Fields

55. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. – Steven Wright

56. I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. – Steven Wright

57. I like your shirt. It would look better on me. – Seth Peterson

58. I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. – Stephen King

59. I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

60. I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. – W. C. Fields

61. He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

62. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

63. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

64. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

65. For your information, I would like to ask a question. – Samuel Goldwyn

66. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. – P. J. O’Rourke

67. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright

68. Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. – Josh Billings

69. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. – Robert Benchley

70. Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day. – Jay Leno

71. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright

72. California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange. – Fred Allen

73. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman

74. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

75. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

76. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

77. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright

78. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

79. A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

80. Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you. – Satchel Paige

81. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx

82. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres

83. Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected. – Robert Orben
84. Never wear anything that panics the cat. – P. J. O’Rourke

85. O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. – Saint Augustine

86. Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. – George Bernard Shaw

87. One man’s folly is another man’s wife. – Helen Rowland

88. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence J. Peter

89. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

90. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan

91. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Albert Einstein

92. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. – Mark Twain

93. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God. – Fredrick Nietzsche

94. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Fredrick Nietzche

95. Be careful when reading health book. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

96. I didn’t attend the funeral, but sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. – Mark Twain

97. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. – Voltaire

98. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. – Plato

99. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston Churchill

100. If you are going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill