Tag Archives: quotes

100Feed: 100 Best Insults

20 Apr

from cartoon stock

“Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”
Milton Berle

“You’re a parasite for sore eyes.”
Gregory Ratoff

“Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.”
William Dean Howells

“The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.”
Joseph Stilwell

“I’ll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.”
Irving Brecher

“You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.”
Jim Samuels

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
Charles Pierce

“In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.”
Ellen Glascow

“Pushing forty? She’s hanging on for dear life.”
Ivy Compton-Burnett

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you came along.”
Groucho Marx

“I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

“I thought men like that shot themselves.”
King George V

“Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.”
Groucho Marx

“He’s liked, but he’s not well liked.”
Arthur Miller

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.”
Steven Pearl

“I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.”
Mark Twain

“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”
Groucho Marx

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”
Oscar Levant

“Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.”
Winston Churchill

“Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.”
Jonathan Swift

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
Groucho Marx

“You had to stand in line to hate him.”
Hedda Hopper

“You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn’t match the rest of you.”
Norm Papernick

“You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.”
Mark Twain

“You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.”
Wilson Mizner

“Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!”
Groucho Marx

“You were born with your legs apart. They’ll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.”
Joe Orton

“Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.”
Frederic Raphael

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw

“There goes the famous good time that was had by all.”
Bette Davis

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

“Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.”
Tobias George Smolett

“Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain

“Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.”
Kin Hubbard

“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.”
Joseph Heller

“That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say “no” in any of them.”
Dorothy Parker

“The finest woman that ever walked the streets.”
Mae West

“The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.”
William Keegan

“Time wounds all heels.”
Groucho Marx

“She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.”
Alexander Woollcott

“She’s been on more laps than a napkin.”
Walter Winchell

“She’s got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.”
John Cantu

“She’s so pure; Moses couldn’t even part her knees.”
Joan Rivers

“She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success – wrong by wrong.”
Mae West

“She’s the sort of woman who lives for others — you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
C. S. Lewis

“So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.”
Alan Bennett

“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”
Jean Webster

“She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.”
Michael Arlen

“You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?”
Groucho Marx

“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.”
Harold Nicholson

“She should get a divorce and settle down.”
Jack Paar

“Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.”
Heinrich Heine

“She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.”
Ada Leverson

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”
Groucho Marx

“She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.”
Robertson Davies

“She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.”
Charles Talleyrand

“She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.”
Margot Asquith

“He’s so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.”
Earl Wilson

“He’s the kind of man who picks his friends – to pieces.”
Mae West

“He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.”
Wilson Mizner

“He’s very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.”
Margot Asquith

“I will always love the false image I had of you.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

“Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?”
Groucho Marx

“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophiliac, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
Woody Allen

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.”
William Faulkner

“He was so crooked; you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.”
Dorothy L. Sayers

“He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.”
Molly Ivins

“He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.”
Oscar Wilde

“Failure has gone to his head.”
Wilson Mizner

“Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.”
Jeremy Thorpe

“He could never see a belt without hitting below it.”
Margot Asquith

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

“He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.”
Leonard Louis Levinson

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright

“He is as good as his word – and his word is no good.”
Seamus MacManus

“He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.”
Lady Caroline Lamb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating

“He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.”
Henry James

“He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.”
Percival Wilde

“He makes a July’s day short as December.”
William Shakespeare

“He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.”
Moliere

“He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged.”
Simone Signoret

“He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.”
Kate Cruise O’Brien

“He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”
Mark Twain

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.”
Victor Borge

“A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.”
Earl Long

“At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.”
Edith Massey

“Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.”
Mark Twain

“He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.”
Ayn Rand

“He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.”
George C. Scott

“He’s a trellis for varicose veins.”
Wilson Mizner

“He’s so fat; he can be his own running mate.”
Johnny Carson

“What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.”
Fred Allen

“When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?”
David Letterman

“While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.”
James Thurber

100Feed: 100 Best Quotes from President Barack Obama

19 Apr

Official Portrait of Barack Obama from Wikipedia

1. “[My father] had left paradise, and nothing that my mother or grandparents told me could obviate that single, unassailable fact. They couldn’t describe what it might have been like had he stayed.”

2. “At the time of his death, my father remained a myth to me both more and less than a man.”

3. “I saw that my life in America – the black life, the white life, the sense of abandonment I felt as a boy, the frustration and hope I’d witnessed in Chicago – all of it was connected with this small plot of earth an ocean away.”

4. “I am not opposed to all wars. I’m opposed to dumb wars. What I am opposed to is a rash war.”

5. “Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.”

6. “We don’t quit. I don’t quit. Let’s seize this moment to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and strengthen our union once more.”

7. “I began to notice there was nobody like me in the Sears, Roebuck Christmas catalog…and that Santa was a white man. I went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror with all my senses and limbs seemingly intact, looking the way I had always looked, and wondered if something was wrong with me.”

8. “A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, ‘Huh. It works. It makes sense.”

9. “After a century of striving, after a year of debate, after a historic vote, health care reform is no longer an unmet promise. It is the law of the land.”

10. “Al Qaeda is still a threat. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK.”

11. “America and Islam are not exclusive and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles of justice and progress, tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.”

12. “Americans…still believe in an America where anything’s possible – they just don’t think their leaders do.”

13. “And I will do everything that I can as long as I am President of the United States to remind the American people that we are one nation under God, and we may call that God different names but we remain one nation.”

14. “And so our goal on health care is, if we can get, instead of health care costs going up 6 percent a year, it’s going up at the level of inflation, maybe just slightly above inflation, we’ve made huge progress. And by the way, that is the single most important thing we could do in terms of reducing our deficit. That’s why we did it.”

15. “As a nuclear power – as the only nuclear power to have used a nuclear weapon – the United States has a moral responsibility to act.”

16. “As I’ve said, there were patriots who supported this war, and patriots who opposed it. And all of us are united in appreciate for our servicemen and women, and our hopes for Iraqis’ future.”

17. “But if you – if what- the reports are true, what they’re saying is, is that as a consequence of us getting 30 million additional people health care, at the margins that’s going to increase our costs, we knew that.”

18. “But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people, and do our best to help them find their own grace. That’s what I strive to do, that’s what I pray to do every day.”

19. “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’re been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”

20. “Community colleges play an important role in helping people transition between careers by providing the retooling they need to take on a new career.”

21. “Contrary to the claims of some of my critics and some of the editorial pages, I am an ardent believer in the free market.”

“What Washington needs is adult supervision.”

23. “I can make a firm pledge, under my plan, no family making less than $250,000 a year will see any form of tax increase. Not your income tax, not your payroll tax, not your capital gains taxes, not any of your taxes.”

24. “I cannot swallow whole the view of Lincoln as the Great Emancipator.”

25. “I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear.”

26. “I don’t care whether you’re driving a hybrid or an SUV. If you’re headed for the cliff, you change direction. That’s what the American people called for in November, that’s what I intend to deliver.”

27. “I don’t take a dime of their [lobbyist] money, and when I am president, they won’t find a job in my White House.”

28. “I found this national debt, doubled, wrapped in a big bow waiting for me as I stepped into the Oval Office.”

29. “I know my country has not perfected itself. At times, we’ve struggled to keep the promise of liberty and equality for all of our people. We’ve made our share of mistakes, and there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions.”

30. “I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the US Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying.”

31. “I think it is important for Europe to understand that even though I am president and George Bush is not president, Al Qaeda is still a threat.”

32. “I think when you spread the wealth around it’s good for everybody.”

33. “I will cut taxes – cut taxes – for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.”

34. “I’m a Christian by choice.”

35. “I’ve been fighting with Acorn, alongside Acorn, on issues you care about, my entire career.”

36. “I’ve got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them punished with a baby.”

37. “I’ve said very clearly, including in a State of the Union address, that I’m against ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and that we’re going to end this policy.”

38. “If everybody that voted in 2008 shows up in 2010, we will win this election. We will win this election.”

39. “If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists – to protect them and to promote their common welfare – all else is lost.”

40. “If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress.”

41. “In America, there’s a failure to appreciate Europe’s leading role in the world.”

42. “In the absence of sound oversight, responsible businesses are forced to compete against unscrupulous and underhanded business, who are unencumbered by any restrictions on activities that might harm the environment, or take advantage of middle-class families, or threaten to bring down the entire financial system.”

43. “In the end, that’s what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?”

44. “Issues are never simple. One thing I’m proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues.”

45. “It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get where we are today, but we have just begun. Today we being in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today.”

46. “It was not a religion that attacked us that September day. It was Al Qaeda. We will not sacrifice the liberties we cherish or hunker down behind walls of suspicion and mistrust.”

47. “It was the labor movement that helped secure so much of what we take for granted today. The 40-hour work week, the minimum wage, family leave, health insurance, Social Security, Medicare, retirement plans. The cornerstones of the middle-class security all bear the union label.”

48. “It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

49. “It’s time to fundamentally change the way that we do business in Washington. To help build a new foundation for the 21st century, we need to reform our government so that it is more efficient, more transparent, and more creative. That will demand new thinking and a new sense of responsibility for every dollar that is spent.”

50. “John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded.”

51. “Let me even say before I even get inaugurated, during the transition we are going to be having meetings all across the country with community organizations so that you have input into the agenda for the next presidency of the United States of America.”

53. “Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference.”

54. “My administration is the only thing between you [CEO’s] and the pitchforks.”

55. “My family, frankly, they weren’t folks who went to church every week. My mother was one of the most spiritual people I knew but she didn’t raise me in the church, so I came to my Christian faith later in life and it was because of the precepts of Jesus Christ spoke to me in terms of the kinds of life that I would want to lead.”

56. “My job is not to represent Washington to you, but to represent you to Washington.”

57. “My parents shared not only an improbable love, they shared an abiding faith in the possibilities of this nation. They would give me an African name, Barack, or blessed, believing that in a tolerant America your name is no barrier to success.”

58. “My task over the last two years hasn’t been to stop the bleeding. My task has also been to try to figure out how do we address some of the structural problems in the economy that have prevented my Googles from being created.”

59. “No one is pro-abortion.”

60. “Now we’re in the midst of not just advocating for change, not just calling for change – we’re doing the grinding, sometimes frustrating work of delivering change – inch by inch, day by day.”

61. “Now, anybody who thinks that we can move this economy forward with just a few folks at the top doing well, hoping that it’s going to trickle down to working people who are running faster and faster just to keep up, you’ll never see it.”

62. “Of course, violence will not end with our combat mission. Extremists will continues to set off bombs, attack Iraqi civilians and try to spark sectarian strife. But ultimately, these terrorists will fail to achieve their goals.”

63. “On every front there are clear answers out there that can make this country stronger, but we’re going to break through the fear and the frustration people are feeling. Our job is to make sure that even as we make progress, that we are also giving people a sense of hope and vision for the future.”

64. “One of the great strengths of the United States is…we have a very large Christian population – we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values.”

65. “Operations in Iraq and Afghanistan and the war on terrorism have reduced the pace of military transformation and have revealed our lack of preparation for defensive and stability operations. This Administration has overextended our military.”

66. “Our combat mission is ending, but our commitment to Iraq’s future is not.”

67. “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”

68. “Part of the reason that our politics seems so tough right now and facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time is because we’re hardwired not to always think clearly when we’re scared. And the country’s scared.”

69. “People of Berlin – people of the world – this is our moment. This is our time.”

70. “Poorly secured nuclear material in the former Soviet Union, or secrets from a scientist in Pakistan could help build a bomb that detonates in Paris. The poppies in Afghanistan become the heroin in Berlin. The poverty and violence in Somalia breeds the terror of tomorrow.”

71. “Since I’m the president and Democrats have controlled the House and the Senate, it’s understandable that people are saying, you know, ‘What have you done?'”

72. “So while an incredible amount of progress has been made, on this fifth anniversary, I wanted to come here and tell the people of this city directly: My administration is going to stand with you – and fight alongside you – until the job is done. Until New Orleans is all the way back, all the way.”

73. “The Bush Administration’s failure to be consistently involved in helping Israel achieve peace with the Palestinians has been both wrong for our friendship with Israel, as well as badly damaging to our standing in the Arab world.”

74. “The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.”

75. “The thing about hip-hop today is it’s smart, it’s insightful. The way they can
communicate a complex message in a very short space is remarkable.”

76. “The United States has been enriched by Muslim Americans. Many other Americans have Muslims in their families or have lived in a Muslim-majority country – I know, because I am one of them.”

77. “The United States is not, and never will be, at war with Islam.”

78. “There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.”

79. “There is not a liberal America and a conservative America – there is the United States of America. There is not a black America and a white America and Latino America and Asian America – there’s the United States of America.”

80. “There is probably a perverse pride in my administration…that we were going to do the right thing, even if short-term it was unpopular. And I think anybody who’s occupied this office has to remember that success is determined by an intersection in policy and politics and that you can’t be neglecting of marketing and P.R. and public opinion.”

81. “There’s not a liberal America and a conservative America – there’s the United States of America.”

82. “This is the moment when we must build on the wealth that open markets have created, and share its benefits more equitably. Trade has been a cornerstone of our growth and global development. But we will not be able to sustain this growth if it favors the few, and not the many.”

83. “This is the moment when we must come together to save this planet. Let us resolve that we will not leave our children a world where the oceans rise and famine spreads and terrible storms devastate our lands.”

84. “Today we are engaged in a deadly global struggle for those who would intimidate, torture, and murder people for exercising the most basic freedoms. If we are to win this struggle and spread those freedoms, we must keep our own moral compass pointed in a true direction.”

85. “Tonight, we gather to affirm the greatness of our nation – not because of the height of our skyscrapers, or the power of our military, or the size of our economy. Our pride is based on a very simple premise, summed up in a declaration
made over two hundred years ago.”

86. “We all knew this. We all knew that it would take more time than any of us want to dig ourselves out of this hole created by this economic crisis.”

87. “We can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times…and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK. That’s not leadership. That’s not going to happen.”

88. “We can’t have special interests sitting shotgun. We gotta have middle class families up front. We don’t mind the Republicans joining us. They can come for
the ride, but they gotta sit in the back.”

89. “We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we’ve set. We’ve got to have a civilian national security that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded.”

90. “We didn’t become the most prosperous country in the world just by rewarding greed and recklessness. We didn’t come this far by letting the special interests run wild. We didn’t do it just by gambling and chasing paper profits on Wall Street. We built this country by making things, by producing goods we could sell.”

91. “We have an obligation and a responsibility to be investing in our students and our schools. We must make sure that people who have the grades, the desire, and the will, but not the money, can still get the best education possible.”

92. “We have now just enshrined, as soon as I sign this bill, the core principle that everybody should have some basic security when it comes to their healthcare.”

93. “We have real enemies in the world. These enemies must be found. They must be pursued and they must be defeated.”

94. “We need earmark reform, and when I’m President, I will go line by line to make sure that we are not spending money unwisely.”

95. “We need somebody who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom, the empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor or African-American or gay or disabled or old – and that’s the criterion by which I’ll be selecting my judges.”

96. “We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent.”

97. “We need to steer clear of this poverty of ambition, where people want to drive fancy cars and wear nice clothes and live in nice apartments but don’t want to work hard to accomplish these things. Everyone should try to realize their full potential.”

98. “We proved that we are still a people capable of doing big things and tackling our biggest challenges.”

99. “We’re not going to baby sit a civil war.”

100. “Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.”

100Feed: 100 Funny Quotes

17 Apr


1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. – George Carlin

2. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. – George Carlin

3. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. – Jon Stewart

4. How come you never see a headline like, “Psychic wins Lottery”? – Jay Leno

5. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. – Rodney Dangerfield

6. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a Mexican to work. – Chris Rock

7. A child of five could understand this! Send someone to fetch a child of five! – Groucho Marx

8. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope

9. Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before. – Mae West

10. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. – Bill Cosby

11. Food is an important part of a balanced diet. – Fran Lebowitz

12. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

13. Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

14. Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same! – Alfred E. Neuman

15. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber

16. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

17. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns

18. What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? – Fred Allen

19. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin

20. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

21. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

22. There comes a time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them. – Casey Stengel

23. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood

24. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields

25. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I. – Oscar Levant

26. My father had a profound influence on me; he was a lunatic. – Spike Milligan

27. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

28. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

29. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

30. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

31. Life is hard. After all, it does kill you. – Katherine Hepburn

32. In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

33. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

34. I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. – Carl Sandburg

35. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell

36. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner

37. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it. – Mitch Hedberg

38. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

39. I rant, therefore I am. – Dennis Miller

40. I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra

41. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. – Will Rogers

42. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W.C. Fields

43. I love to go to Washington, if only to be near my money. – Bob Hope

44. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield

45. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

46. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers

47. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

48. I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz

49. I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

50. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen

51. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Samuel Goldwyn

52. I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. – Stephen Fry

53. I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. – Joe E. Lewis

54. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W. C. Fields

55. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. – Steven Wright

56. I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. – Steven Wright

57. I like your shirt. It would look better on me. – Seth Peterson

58. I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. – Stephen King

59. I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

60. I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. – W. C. Fields

61. He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

62. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

63. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

64. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

65. For your information, I would like to ask a question. – Samuel Goldwyn

66. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. – P. J. O’Rourke

67. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright

68. Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. – Josh Billings

69. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. – Robert Benchley

70. Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day. – Jay Leno

71. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright

72. California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange. – Fred Allen

73. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman

74. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

75. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

76. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

77. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright

78. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

79. A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

80. Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you. – Satchel Paige

81. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx

82. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres

83. Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected. – Robert Orben
84. Never wear anything that panics the cat. – P. J. O’Rourke

85. O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. – Saint Augustine

86. Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. – George Bernard Shaw

87. One man’s folly is another man’s wife. – Helen Rowland

88. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence J. Peter

89. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

90. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan

91. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Albert Einstein

92. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. – Mark Twain

93. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God. – Fredrick Nietzsche

94. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Fredrick Nietzche

95. Be careful when reading health book. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

96. I didn’t attend the funeral, but sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. – Mark Twain

97. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. – Voltaire

98. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. – Plato

99. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston Churchill

100. If you are going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill