“Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”
Milton Berle
“You’re a parasite for sore eyes.”
Gregory Ratoff
“Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.”
William Dean Howells
“The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.”
Joseph Stilwell
“I’ll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.”
Irving Brecher
“You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.”
Jim Samuels
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb
“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
Charles Pierce
“In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.”
Ellen Glascow
“Pushing forty? She’s hanging on for dear life.”
Ivy Compton-Burnett
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain
“I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you came along.”
Groucho Marx
“I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.”
Robert Louis Stevenson
“I thought men like that shot themselves.”
King George V
“Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.”
Groucho Marx
“He’s liked, but he’s not well liked.”
Arthur Miller
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West
“I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.”
Steven Pearl
“I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.”
Mark Twain
“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”
Groucho Marx
“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”
Oscar Levant
“Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.”
Winston Churchill
“Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.”
Jonathan Swift
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
Groucho Marx
“You had to stand in line to hate him.”
Hedda Hopper
“You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn’t match the rest of you.”
Norm Papernick
“You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.”
Mark Twain
“You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.”
Wilson Mizner
“Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!”
Groucho Marx
“You were born with your legs apart. They’ll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.”
Joe Orton
“Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.”
Frederic Raphael
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw
“There goes the famous good time that was had by all.”
Bette Davis
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde
“Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.”
Tobias George Smolett
“Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain
“Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.”
Kin Hubbard
“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.”
Joseph Heller
“That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say “no” in any of them.”
Dorothy Parker
“The finest woman that ever walked the streets.”
Mae West
“The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.”
William Keegan
“Time wounds all heels.”
Groucho Marx
“She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.”
Alexander Woollcott
“She’s been on more laps than a napkin.”
Walter Winchell
“She’s got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.”
John Cantu
“She’s so pure; Moses couldn’t even part her knees.”
Joan Rivers
“She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success – wrong by wrong.”
Mae West
“She’s the sort of woman who lives for others — you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
C. S. Lewis
“So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.”
Alan Bennett
“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”
Jean Webster
“She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.”
Michael Arlen
“You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?”
Groucho Marx
“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.”
Harold Nicholson
“She should get a divorce and settle down.”
Jack Paar
“Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.”
Heinrich Heine
“She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.”
Ada Leverson
“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”
Groucho Marx
“She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.”
Robertson Davies
“She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.”
Charles Talleyrand
“She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.”
Margot Asquith
“He’s so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.”
Earl Wilson
“He’s the kind of man who picks his friends – to pieces.”
Mae West
“He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.”
Wilson Mizner
“He’s very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.”
Margot Asquith
“I will always love the false image I had of you.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?”
Groucho Marx
“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophiliac, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
Woody Allen
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.”
William Faulkner
“He was so crooked; you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.”
Dorothy L. Sayers
“He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.”
Molly Ivins
“He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.”
Oscar Wilde
“Failure has gone to his head.”
Wilson Mizner
“Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.”
Jeremy Thorpe
“He could never see a belt without hitting below it.”
Margot Asquith
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill
“He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.”
Leonard Louis Levinson
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright
“He is as good as his word – and his word is no good.”
Seamus MacManus
“He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.”
Lady Caroline Lamb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating
“He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.”
Henry James
“He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.”
Percival Wilde
“He makes a July’s day short as December.”
William Shakespeare
“He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.”
Moliere
“He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged.”
Simone Signoret
“He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.”
Kate Cruise O’Brien
“He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”
Mark Twain
“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.”
Victor Borge
“A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.”
Earl Long
“At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.”
Edith Massey
“Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.”
Mark Twain
“He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.”
Ayn Rand
“He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.”
George C. Scott
“He’s a trellis for varicose veins.”
Wilson Mizner
“He’s so fat; he can be his own running mate.”
Johnny Carson
“What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.”
Fred Allen
“When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?”
David Letterman
“While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.”
James Thurber
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