1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. – George Carlin
2. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. – George Carlin
3. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. – Jon Stewart
4. How come you never see a headline like, “Psychic wins Lottery”? – Jay Leno
5. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. – Rodney Dangerfield
6. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a Mexican to work. – Chris Rock
7. A child of five could understand this! Send someone to fetch a child of five! – Groucho Marx
8. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope
9. Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before. – Mae West
10. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. – Bill Cosby
11. Food is an important part of a balanced diet. – Fran Lebowitz
12. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
13. Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain
14. Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same! – Alfred E. Neuman
15. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber
16. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
17. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns
18. What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? – Fred Allen
19. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin
20. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein
21. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks
22. There comes a time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them. – Casey Stengel
23. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood
24. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields
25. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I. – Oscar Levant
26. My father had a profound influence on me; he was a lunatic. – Spike Milligan
27. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
28. My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips
29. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen
30. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx
31. Life is hard. After all, it does kill you. – Katherine Hepburn
32. In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner
33. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp
34. I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. – Carl Sandburg
35. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell
36. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner
37. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it. – Mitch Hedberg
38. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx
39. I rant, therefore I am. – Dennis Miller
40. I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra
41. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. – Will Rogers
42. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W.C. Fields
43. I love to go to Washington, if only to be near my money. – Bob Hope
44. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield
45. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
46. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers
47. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
48. I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz
49. I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
50. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen
51. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. – Samuel Goldwyn
52. I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. – Stephen Fry
53. I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. – Joe E. Lewis
54. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W. C. Fields
55. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. – Steven Wright
56. I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. – Steven Wright
57. I like your shirt. It would look better on me. – Seth Peterson
58. I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. – Stephen King
59. I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen
60. I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. – W. C. Fields
61. He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
62. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
63. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
64. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
65. For your information, I would like to ask a question. – Samuel Goldwyn
66. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. – P. J. O’Rourke
67. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright
68. Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. – Josh Billings
69. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. – Robert Benchley
70. Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day. – Jay Leno
71. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright
72. California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange. – Fred Allen
73. As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman
74. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx
75. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
76. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw
77. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
78. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra
79. A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby
80. Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you. – Satchel Paige
81. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx
82. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres
83. Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected. – Robert Orben
84. Never wear anything that panics the cat. – P. J. O’Rourke
85. O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. – Saint Augustine
86. Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. – George Bernard Shaw
87. One man’s folly is another man’s wife. – Helen Rowland
88. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. – Laurence J. Peter
89. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis
90. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan
91. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Albert Einstein
92. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. – Mark Twain
93. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God. – Fredrick Nietzsche
94. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Fredrick Nietzche
95. Be careful when reading health book. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
96. I didn’t attend the funeral, but sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. – Mark Twain
97. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. – Voltaire
98. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. – Plato
99. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston Churchill
100. If you are going through hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill
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